Sunday, March 15, 2009

My pity party

is over.

First off, I want to say a huge thank you to everyone. I have needed and appreciated every phone call, every email, every "you have been in my thoughts and prayers this week," every shoulder to cry on, every offer to do lunch, every plate of brownies, and even that mysterious bunch of flowers on my doorstep this morning. I feel so lucky to have such wonderful friends and supportive family.

The last few days I have felt so many different emotions. After my initial feeling of anger, I was feeling bitter, and then so sad. I thought that I had put my guard up well, but then not just this sadness came into play, but all my sadness. The whole infertility, wanting a baby, feeling inadequate came out. I was feeling a little sorry for myself. I had been planning on going to Time Out For Women, and so went ahead, even though as I told my mother in law, I pretty much just wanted to eat or lay in bed. I was so glad I went. On Friday night, Sister Nelson was speaking about hope. One thing she said has helped me so much, "Anger, bitterness, and self pity drive away the spirit. " Um, let's see. If I had to say which three emotions were strongest in me that day they would be anger, bitterness, and self-pity. I decided that I was going to let those emotions go. It's certainly not easy all the time--those emotions have a way of creeping up on you, but I have felt so much better.

Because of TOFW, we have had some company this weekend. Dan's sister said something to me that I appreciated. She said that they have been praying for us all week. When she told her kids what happened, her oldest said, "Mom, when they do finally get a baby, that is going to be one special baby." I have to agree.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

This stinks

Um, parts of the adoption process just suck. We were packed and ready to go Tuesday night, and just called our agent to make sure everything was still on for us to fly out Wednesday morning. The birth mom is MIA. No one could find her or get a hold of her--not our agent, not her social worker, not her doctor. WTH? You know, Dan and I have prepared ourselves that something might happen; we went into this process (especially because of what has happened in the past) knowing that things might not go according to plan. But I don't understand why someone would just vanish? Own up to your decisions please. Answer your phone and say you changed your mind. Heck, even if you were just playing the system all along, please continue your little charade and tell your social worker you are not going to go through with the adoption. She knew that we were planning on flying out Wednesday, she didn't care that we would be out tickets, car, and hotel?

Rereading what I just wrote, it's pretty obvious that my emotion right now is one of anger. I am definitely more angry than sad right now. Like I said, I had prepared myself emotionally for the worst, but I can't get over the fact that she just didn't care at all to answer for herself.

Anyway, we really are doing okay, just letting go of some of this bitterness. We do want to say a big thank you to all who have kept us in your prayers. We still feel like we need to keep pursuing adoption, and I know that our baby is going to find his or her way into our home. Thanks again!

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Just Waiting

We really have nothing new to report. We are pretty much waiting for the birthmom to go into labor. We have bought a few things, washed all the baby stuff, and made preliminary travel arrangements. We did have a conference call with the birthmom and things seemed to go well there. Dan is unusually calm about the whole thing while I am the one kind of freaking out and full of anxiety. Please continue to keep us in your prayers as we wait out these last few days.

Tyler and I have tried to keep ourselves busy, in addition to the "nesting" going on out our house. We went ice skating at the Galleria:

We went to the Children's Museum (which had a lot of new stuff, and in a few weeks will have the expansion open):

I have still been taking my picture a day:

I have gone to the new gym by our house 4 times a week since it opened:

And our family went camping for the first time, well ever: